Feelings of Betrayal

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During a very good sermon this morning in church the statement was made that everyone feels betrayed by God at some point in their life. This struck me as odd. I knew some people had things happen to them they did not understand and found them asking why. But I thought it odd that faithful people would ever feel left alone by God.

Then I remembered an experience I had that totally fit that statement. Not a moment to be proud of but it does fit in with the statement perfectly.

It was just before we found out that my wife was pregnant with my daughter. We had been trying for a long seven years. For days before hand I just had a feeling she was pregnant. No particular reason that I could put my finger on. And it was not the normal process of things. Normally I had no clue or feeling one way or the other. She took a test on a Sunday and it said it was negative. I couldn’t believe it. I had been so sure that it was going to be positive.

As I was laying in bed that evening I found myself questioning whether God actually existed. We were not regular church goers at this time. But I had spent my entire life believing in God and praying to God. I found myself wondering why if God did exist why would he not grant the one thing my wife and I truly wanted so badly. Were all the prayers I had ever said just to comfort me? Was there no one listening and answering those prayers?

I don’t know that I came to an answer that night. But I do know that by the next morning I was back to feeling certain that the test was wrong. So much so that later in the week when she had taken a second test and told me that she was pregnant I was not surprised by it.

Why was I questioning the existence of God? Because I felt that for sure God would not betray me by not providing something that we wanted so badly for so long. It’s not like it was the first few times we had tried. Looking around the world you see all the time where people who don’t want their children have kids like it’s nothing. If they can do it, why could we not?

Ultimately though, I think it was all part of God’s plan. The hard times and difficulties we are put through only make us stronger and help us grow into who we are supposed to become. If we had been able to have children easily, would we have thought the child we ended up having was as precious and special as we did?

Obviously everyone thinks their child is precious and special. But when someone has yearned for children for so long, it can’t do anything but make you a better and more involved parent. I always thought we would of been excellent parents and I think we live up to that.

But so many parents talk about blinking and their children being grown up, either because they didn’t realize how much they enjoyed being a parent or because they were wrapped up in other priorities such as careers, hobbies, etc. We have known from the very beginning that we were going to cherish every moment. Whether its the nights where she was awake all hours of the night and we felt like we had no sleep or the happiness of her smiling at us and telling us how much she loves us. The good and the bad. We made the choice to savor and enjoy each moment.

It also gave me peace of mind through the pregnancy that everything was going to be exactly perfect. My wife was at an older age and also had diabetes. She was considered high risk and had to see a special doctor who handled high risk pregnancies. We were told during one of these appointments that our daughter had a two vessel cord instead of the normal three vessel. When our daughter was born she was immediately rushed out of the room without us being able to see and hold her. She was brought back just a few minutes later, but not normal process by any means.

I just had a peace of mind all through this process that if God had given us this pregnancy he wasn’t going to let anything happen. I couldn’t picture him being the type who would allow the dream that seemed impossible for so long to happen and then to snatch it away during the process.

So did I feel betrayed by God? Yes. I did. But I can also see where the entire process strengthened my faith in God in the end. I was reassured that God did exist and he was hearing and listening to my prayers. I can also see the entire process worked to make me the father that I am today. And for all of that I thank God everyday!

 

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This entry was posted in Blessings, Faith, God, God's Overall Plan, Parenting, Personal Growth, Prayer, Pregnancy, Religion, Struggles and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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